Michael Jackson Ain't Dead

So a couple of days ago I was struck by an idea about Michael Jackson that never occurred to me before. I thought what if this was all subterfuge. What if this had all been an elaborate hoax. Maybe i thought that in part because i didn't want to believe that The King of Pop was actually dead. Ive never lived in a world without MJ. Maybe it was hard for me to accept. Then I decided to take a step back and ask myself what do we really know about his death. And that's when the pieces started falling into place.



I want to stop right here. I did see the memorial today. I want to point out that it was a beautiful classy memorial. There were all kinds of wonderful heartfelt sentiments expressed by the likes of Al Sharpton, Smokey Robinson, Barry Gordy and more. There were inspired performances by Usher, John Mayer, and some little British boy that set the stage on fire with a rendition of "Who's Loving You". It was soul-stirring and absolutely beautiful. Furthermore, I'm just some dude in South Philly typing in his boxer-briefs. I'm no detective, i never even played one on TV. I never even slept at a Holiday Inn Express. What do i know?



That being said there are some nagging questions that need to be answered. (Well let me walk that back a little bit.) There are some lingering tidbits that make the outlandish conspiracy theory I'm about to share plausible. I'll take the time today to point out the juiciest bits that got this brother saying 'hmmm'.

We will just share the most obvious bases so as to leave those of you playing along at home enough room to really make this conspiracy your own.

1) Where's the motherfuckin body?

From the moment CNN broke into the Situation Room with the Michael Jackson news until the burial today, no one has seen the body. He has been under sheets and heavy security since the police were called to Neverland.

Where is the actual proof that he is dead?

The memorial today was beautiful and solemn but it was a closed casket.

Sure.

I see your point.

The family identified the body.

Or did they. With so many family members its plausible for all of them to expect that someone else did it.

I mean his own personal doctor was at his side the whole time. He was the one that called the police. Right. His personal doctor that he had on retainer and conveniently at his side on the day of his supposed death. Well the good doctor wouldn't want to upset the big boss man. He wouldn't bite the hand that feeds him. Or break that confidentiality agreement. Would he?

2) Cash Rules Everything Around Me

I know what your thinking. Whats the motive? MJ had over $200M in the bank, what would he be running from?

Someone trying to take that money from him, that's what. I'm sure you heard the reports about MJ's money woes. He owed this person and that person. Neverland was getting foreclosed on etc. He had debts of well over $100M. He owed the concert promoters of his new tour, he owed the dude that helped him get Neverland out of hock. Shit MJ owed me a stack behind that Giants/Patriots Superbowl (joke). My point is if you got $20 to your name and you owe somebody $15, what are the odds you gonna pay them next time you see them? Exactly

3) Where the fuck is Michael Jackson going to hide?

Ill tell you exactly where. Doha Qatar. Mike lived there for a while. And anyone who has ever been there will tell you, it is a wonderful place to spend a couple of million dollars.



Furthermore, if a solid portion of the population is wearing Burkas, not being recognized wouldn't be so hard.


4) What if Michael Jackson doesn't look like Michael Jackson?

What do we REALLY know about Mike. The media tells us that he had tons of plastic surgery over the years that mangled his face and left his looks effeminate and his skin damn near translucent. Mike has always denied this. Maybe Mike denies it because its just not true?

I submit to you that MJ had been gradually and methodically applying layer after layer of make-up to his skin to radically change his appearance over the years. This has been decades in the making. He lived in the same town as some of the best make-up artists in the world. These people made Charlize Theron look this ugly.

And that's hard work.
I'm sure they could turn a black man into a white woman. Q:But why would Mike go through all that. A: Cause no one is going to walk up to a almond complected 50 year-old Black man in Doha Qatar and say "I know you. Your Michael Jackson".

It only stands to reason that Michael Jackson wanted to get away from all this. He was accused of damn near everything. And all he wanted to do was make beautiful music. What was a man to do. If you listen closely to "Leave Me Alone" you will hear his pain. We had him, but we didn't deserve him. So he left. To Doha. To drink Jesus juice on the beach all day. And smash whoever he wanted all night.

I'm gonna stop it right here. I know the Feds are listening close, and i don't want to fuck his shit up. But ill leave you with this. If you ever find yourself in Qatar, and you run into an extra skinny Black dude on the beach in penny loafers and high-water pants spittin serious game at that Lil Liberian P.Y.T. Give the big homie a nod and tell him that if he ain't BAD we ain't nothing.